My hallmark statement of statements is that I am not dumb.
I am oblivious to a certain point. I am a bad liar. I am a bad organizer of lies.
It was merely a matter of time until he found out. I should have told him in the first place, by all means, and ended it there, but people have a way of talking me out of doing smart things. Hence, I am not dumb, but oblivious and manipulable.
But see, the thing is, I orchestrated that lie pretty damn well. I didn't tell a whole lot of people. I, really, shouldn't have told anybody, but I am not a genius ... merely not dumb.
There was no way you could have known. You were grasping at straws to kick me out of your life, and that thought kills me. I will pick up and I will go on but at least in the end I was more honest than you could be.
[Along with oblivious and manipulable, I also like to believe that I am morally superior to others ... even when I'm obviously not.]
The worst part is ...
I am torn between wanting you back (it was my mistake, after all, right?)
And letting you go your own way because:
1. This relationship would be poison and
2. This relationship has already been pretty poisonous.
But in the end, the image of you in that doorway, filling it up like the paternal figure you were despite my protests. You tuck me in, you turn off the lights, you ensure security by locking the door. I have to live here 3 more months and finish the Bachelor's I never wanted ... YOU wanted it for me. But it would be dumb to stop now, when the finish line is fewer than 3 months away.
I am terrified this will be obsolete tomorrow, that once again the tears I have shed are going to be in vain because you're sorry, because you are going to forgive me too. It's not a completely implausible train of thought: you have given me ample previous action to support it.
In that case, why worry? Why hurt? Because you break off with me and suddenly you call your parents, you tell them when you're coming home. You can do everything that for me, you couldn't do.
It should be clear, but my cunted emotions are eternally
in the way. It should be easy.
Just like it should be easy to walk across the street and hit the shrink's office hard. But it's just not.Come home.