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Friday, May 01, 2009

Book Blurb

They say that lies die with time. Given enough time, you can uncover the truth. Given an eternity, you always will.

What if you were given an eternity but the truth behind it had vanished?

God has left the afterlife – why and where to nobody knows. In the meantime the angels are falling, the damned left unforgiven and the litany of Hell remains as ever: to suffer, to never escape.

One man journeys the breadth of the underworld in search of the ultimate truth – god himself – and in finding him know the nature of existence. As he struggles through a world of the wretched, the wise and the all-powerful, each on their own personal crusade for answers and all captive to the ever-changing whims and moralities of Hell, he comes to realise that the ultimate truth he was seeking does not lie with god; and that nothing could have prepared him for it.

Can faith become truth?

Can pain become livable?

Can death become beautiful?


Perhaps only eternity can tell.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Cunted Again

My hallmark statement of statements is that I am not dumb.
I am oblivious to a certain point. I am a bad liar. I am a bad organizer of lies.
It was merely a matter of time until he found out. I should have told him in the first place, by all means, and ended it there, but people have a way of talking me out of doing smart things. Hence, I am not dumb, but oblivious and manipulable.
But see, the thing is, I orchestrated that lie pretty damn well. I didn't tell a whole lot of people. I, really, shouldn't have told anybody, but I am not a genius ... merely not dumb.
There was no way you could have known. You were grasping at straws to kick me out of your life, and that thought kills me. I will pick up and I will go on but at least in the end I was more honest than you could be.
[Along with oblivious and manipulable, I also like to believe that I am morally superior to others ... even when I'm obviously not.]
The worst part is ...
I am torn between wanting you back (it was my mistake, after all, right?)
And letting you go your own way because:
1. This relationship would be poison and
2. This relationship has already been pretty poisonous.
But in the end, the image of you in that doorway, filling it up like the paternal figure you were despite my protests. You tuck me in, you turn off the lights, you ensure security by locking the door. I have to live here 3 more months and finish the Bachelor's I never wanted ... YOU wanted it for me. But it would be dumb to stop now, when the finish line is fewer than 3 months away.
I am terrified this will be obsolete tomorrow, that once again the tears I have shed are going to be in vain because you're sorry, because you are going to forgive me too. It's not a completely implausible train of thought: you have given me ample previous action to support it.
In that case, why worry? Why hurt? Because you break off with me and suddenly you call your parents, you tell them when you're coming home. You can do everything that for me, you couldn't do.
It should be clear, but my cunted emotions are eternally in the way. It should be easy.
Just like it should be easy to walk across the street and hit the shrink's office hard. But it's just not.
Come home.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

I miss you

I look for you everywhere - on the crowded train, in "our" neighborhood, in the restaurants, by work, in my heart. My heart is the only place I find you. Always. Its been almost two years since something first happened between us and almost a year since it ended. Yet, you still haunt my thoughts, my dreams and my nightmares. I'm constantly preoccupied by you, wondering what you are doing, where you are, who you are with - wondering would it have been different if it were with me, not just different, better. Would you have been happier? Would I? I knew no matter what decision I'd make I'd spend a long time wondering, "what if?". You pushed me into this decision, but I'm still wondering. Are you? You fucked me real good. What happened to the rational person that I always was? What happened to the practical and proper? No, I was "fun", the bestest and I was your best friend. I still am. I never had a better friend and I miss you and I hate that you don't miss me too.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Progression

Here is how we go from
“You know I would do anything for you”
To
“Don’t touch me”

And every failed relationship
Unpicks old scars
Unravels us

For now I’m all alone again
No where to go, no one to turn to

And yet we can’t stop ourselves
Rekindling that flickering hope
Only to see it gutter

Asphyxiate.

Remember when
New hearts couldn’t get close enough
And armchair arms
Were impediments?

Remember when
What you couldn’t have
Was all you felt you ever wanted?

Remember when
Sweetie
Was an unfamiliar word
I've watched it blossom from there to sweetiekins
Fade again to sweetie
And wilt back into
Nothingness

I am left with
Words
My worthless words.

That mock me.

I’ve deleted all your messages

All except the one thanking me
For the first good night’s sleep you’ve had in years.

It would be nice if we could heal each other.

Wouldn’t it?

It’s too bad.

Romance and all its strategy
Leave me battling with my mind
I’m just another writer
Trapped within my truth

And you
Are
Just another
Innoculation
Another
Pitfall

On my journey
back to
Solitarity.

Friday, October 03, 2008

If I Could Be Your Angel.

I don't understand how love works.
Does love make a person perfect,
or does a perfect person easily excel in love?


Why am I imperfect,
and neither can I love well?


Or can I actually love well,
but I'm not perfect enough?


Why can't I ever be his perfect half?
Why do I always think I'm beneath him?


Can this love game really fuck a person up,
or is it just not my cup of tea?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Do You Miss Me?

Do you miss me? Do you ever think of me anymore? Do you think of me the way I of you? Do you cry in the shower because that's the only place you can really let go? Was it all a dream? A nightmare? A lie? As much as I've tried to push the thought out, I still believe it was real. Oh, who am I kidding? It was only real for me. How else would you have moved on so quickly? And not just moved on, but went from this to that. Yes, our situation was complicated. Much more complicated than some melodramatic soap, but if nothing else, my feelings were real. They still are. No matter how much I try to bury them, I still miss you "every minute of every day.". I miss you the way you used to tell me you miss me. I miss our endless conversation about everything and nothing, our sarcastic humor, your hands around me, our kisses and the sparks we shared in bed. It was but a game to you - the thrill, the chase and when you had me you didn't know what to do with me, so you did what any coward would do, you gave up and moved on.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

A year of space

I haven't been here for a while. Why? Not a thing to report. I can list now even more women who have let me down, one more than others as she was one I'd relied on for over 30 years the rare times we spoke. First she was too young, then too far away, then married, then divorced with a boyfriend. But always wanted me. Until now. She rang saying she wanted to move to London and implied she'd been dumped. I waited to hear more as she wouldn't let me call her (long story) and after 6 months gave up and sent a few messages. Nothing. This from the woman who thought the world of me on and off since we were 14 and now she turns into the same sort of horse's backside all the others always were. I'll phone her soon and see if she lets me get a word in before it goes down as well, all totally unnecessary considering she rang me and was on the phone for ages last time we were in contact, then she treats me like cancer. Bitch.

I haven't met anyone since I can't even remember when, and have become beyond caring. I genuinely believe people turn up at the right time and we can do little about it, even if you go out every night as I almost did once the good ones still piss you around and you end up with nothing so makes little difference in the end. The only small light in the tunnel is a very attractive but mental woman I've known some time who went out with me once, disappeared and then admitted months later her boyfriend had come back. Now she's fed up with him and I may be next. No conversation or apparent brain but the rest makes up for it. The rule always was and is 'Over 40 take, what you're given'. All that happened was when I widened the goalposts in 2000 the women became better goalkeepers. Their standards rose as mine dropped. I had a few successes since, both unusable for long, one lives abroad and was here on a flying visit and the other spent more time in the asylum than home. To add to that with the same one who is hanging around now. But I now look at the cheese and not the holes and am happy with anything that is not unattractive, more is a bonus.

I also knew as we all do that TV personalities get women as they're on TV. Well since 2005 I've been on cable a few times and have another due to be on some time before I die, hopefully. I expect if this ever crosses the mainstream where people actually see it in 7 figures it may allow me to meet a few more people. Apart from being the average height for a woman, until my hair started going there was nothing that bad about me, I did actually go through many women in my teens and twenties, (still had hair then admittedly), but the good ones never lasted. And there were many. By 30 the supply dried up as everyone else was married and I got a decade of divorcees and mental patients far older than me that never wanted a relationship when it actually came close to becoming reality. I had one attractive two timer who let me take her out but had sex with the other man I didn't know about till she left me for him. She turned out to be so bossy and weird anyway it would never have worked besides the non-existent but potential physical side. The the three I described since and that was it. Plus a string of ex girlfriends I used for convenient sex but the same as living on vitamin pills and astronaut meals while others ate like kings. That packed up when the last remaining one met someone else last year and spent her whole time with him ever since. No great loss really except I was left with a huge gap to fill which has no clue where the filler is coming from. But it always has before. The gaps have increased to 3-4 years now but they arrive eventually. And internet dating, singles functions or not it's when they choose to not when I do. No formula I know of any different from that.

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